I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
