i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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