Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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