I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
