I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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