As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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