so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
