I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He keeps bees of course he's weird
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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