I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
