Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
