We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize