i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
