dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
