Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize