My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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