I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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