Pants 0. Shit 1.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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