I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
