don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
