I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I will pee on everything he values.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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