I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
