Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
