i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
