how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
