My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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