I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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