I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
