he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
