it hurts more in the daytime
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
