Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
