Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
