well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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