I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Randomize
