It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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