The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
