If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
