Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
