I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
