Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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