you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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