but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
