Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
