You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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