Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
