apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
