I think my fart just growled at me.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
