I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
