But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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