I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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