When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
