How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
