Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
